My teenage daughter has gone to war with her dad. Can I help? | Dear Mariella

Mariella suggests a mother takes on the role of adviser rather than referee as her daughter begins the inevitable reshaping of her relationship with her father

The dilemma My 18-year-old daughter used to have a good relationship with her dad, but over the past few months has grown antagonistic towards him. She frequently tells him to go away, or asks him what his problem is. When he asks her to do something, she refuses. It’s so sad to see her act this way. I said I hoped their relationship would improve and her reply was: “He needs to be nice to me!” Previously he’s been more likely to criticise than build up, however, now he’s trying to be genuinely interested in her life. It’s usually met with indifference or scorn by her. He gets angry quickly when he asks her to do something and she doesn’t do it (he expects blind obedience, despite me trying to encourage a more negotiated approach), and it normally ends in a shouting match. I have tried to encourage him to step away, but he likes to have the last word. I used to try to referee, but now I can’t bear to hear them like that, so I just leave the room. I would so love to see them get on, but don’t know how to help them.

Mariella replies Breaking up is hard to do! You are witness to a seismic event, as the tectonic plates shaping the childhood relationship between father and daughter begin moving and reordering themselves. It’s a cliché for good reason that almost every daughter has to overcome her early love affair with her dad in order to move on to her own romantic relationships. That’s why those like me, who lost fathers prematurely, spend a large part of their lives trying to replace them, before realising that their doppelgängers weren’t necessarily the ideal either.

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from The Guardian https://ift.tt/2KRAufT